Whether we’re sitting in a meeting, hearing our partner tell us about their day, or catching up on our favorite podcast, we may think of listening as a passive activity. In these scenarios, the person presenting at the meeting, telling you about their day, or hosting the podcast may appear to be the active participants, while all we have to do is listen. But if we’re doing it right, that’s not the case.
Yes, the speaker and podcaster had to do some prep work, and it probably took some effort for your partner to recount the events of their day, but if you were actively listening to what they had to say, that took some effort on your part, too. If you’re not familiar with the concept of “active listening”—or you keep coming across it, but aren’t quite sure what it means—here’s what you need to know about what is involved, and why it’s an important skill to develop.
What is active listening?
Active listening involves being completely mentally present when someone else is speaking, says Matt Eventoff, the founder of Princeton Public Speaking, an executive communication strategy firm. This means that you’re not multitasking, formulating your response to what the other person is saying, or allowing your mind to wander.
It’s also important to note that active listening isn’t limited to a particular kind of communication: It can—and should—be practiced at work, at home, in social situations, in class, while running errands, and so on. And while you can benefit from actively listening to a work meeting, conference presentation, or podcast, the focus here will be on one-on-one conversations.
Despite achieving buzzword status, Eventoff says that the concept of active listening isn’t widely understood. And, because effort is involved, even those who know how to listen actively don’t always engage in it. “The reality is that many conversations are actually just two people formulating things to say, and being polite and waiting their turn to say them, rather than full engagement,” he says. “Everyone is guilty of it—me included.”
In addition to being present, active listening also involves curiosity, says Daniel Boscaljon, an executive coach and the founder of the Healthy Relationship Academy, which helps businesses and organizations create healthy workplace environments. “It invites your conversation partner to become curious about what is being shared, by asking gentle questions that encourage a deeper reflection,” he says.
How to develop and practice active listening skills
Though active listening is intuitive and relatively simple for some people, it can be a challenge for others—especially those who struggle with focus and concentration. It’s also hard to do if you’ve never heard of it before, and don’t know where to start.
The first thing to keep in mind is that active listening is a skill: Something many people need to learn, and then work to develop. Here are some techniques and examples to get you started.
The basics
To practice active listening during a conversation with another person, be present and focused on what they’re saying, Eventoff says. Don’t try to get ahead and start thinking about how you’re going to respond to them; it can cause you to miss crucial details. When the other person finishes their thought, pause before you answer to give yourself a moment to process what the other person has said. This should go without saying, but don’t interrupt the other person while they’re speaking: Hear them out and wait until it’s your turn to respond.
For example, if a colleague criticizes your contributions to a project at work, don’t interrupt them to defend yourself, or start compiling a mental list refuting every one of their accusations. Instead, listen carefully to each of their concerns, as well as how they reached their conclusions. When they’re done, pause to collect your thoughts, and then respond.
Non-verbal cues
In certain friendly, casual situations, some people appreciate verbal interjections confirming both that the other person is listening, and what they’re saying is riveting: Expressions like “no way!,” “seriously?!” and “get OUT.” However, that’s the exception, rather than the rule. In most other conversations, people often prefer the other person to engage in what Boscaljon refers to as “an engaged and focused silence” while they’re speaking.
At the same time, you should do something to let the other person know that you’re following along with what they’re saying. Enter, non-verbal cues like nodding, tilting your head slightly, making (appropriate) eye contact, and mirroring the other person’s posture. Stick with what you’d do naturally, because as Eventoff points out, these movements “can also appear contrived if not done sincerely but are preplanned.”
For example, if your friend asks to meet up in person to tell you that her mother has cancer, and explain what they know and don’t know so far, use non-verbal cues to let her know that you’re listening, as well as offer your support. Instead of waiting for a slight pause to jump in and talk about your own experience with an ill relative, or immediately jumping in with a bunch questions that she was about to answer, nod as she’s sharing information, and make eye contact when it feels right.
Ask questions
In addition to communicating your interest in what they’re saying, asking someone specific questions can also demonstrate that you’ve been actively listening to them. There’s nothing wrong with asking broader questions as well, but including some that make clear references to what they’ve already told you shows that you’re paying attention and are engaged.
As Boscaljon points out, each conversation plays out differently, so there’s not a set list of questions that will work every time. But, when in doubt, he says you can always fall back on asking what someone means by a specific word or term that they used, or simply asking them to say more about a topic they’ve brought up.
Depending on the situation and type of conversation, you may have another option, according to Boscaljon: Starting off by asking the other person what kind of listening would be most helpful to them. “Some kinds of sharing benefit from many small questions,” he says. “Others are enriched by allowing time for a deeper question to occur, or for words to be found. Knowing an initial way to orient to the speaker will help develop flexible attitudes to listening as you go.”
For example, if your partner comes home from a tough day at work and it’s clear that they want to tell you about it, give them your attention—remaining present as they share details that may not be relevant to you in any way. Still, when it gets to the point in the conversation where you should say something, ask them a question that relates back to what they’ve just told you—perhaps, “Are you going to talk to HR about this?” or “How long are you stuck with him on your team?” or “Has your boss noticed how much he’s slacking off?”
Practice
Of course, the best way to develop any skill—including active listening—is to practice. And you don’t need to wait until you’re at work or having a serious conversation with a family member: It’s something you can do even during brief conversations with people you encounter throughout your day, Boscaljon says, like clerks, servers, and drivers, for example.
Why active listening is important
Everyone involved in a conversation benefits from active listening. It makes the person speaking feel heard, respected, and valued. At the same time, the listener walks away with a comprehensive understanding of what was discussed, knowing that they didn’t miss out on crucial information. It’s also a widely applicable skill that you can use in most conversations, including those with colleagues, family members, romantic partners, and friends.
“Active listening is the best way to create mutually supportive, sustainable, and enjoyable relationships,” Boscaljon says. “It not only helps with the practical levels of information sharing, but builds depth and trust with others.”
